disappointment.

I used to believe that friends would last forever. That once you were friends, you’d always be friends. That once you were close to someone, then maybe that’d be the way it would stay. I was wrong. People in your life don’t always last. And I’ve been thoroughly disappointed. Again and again. By people who I thought would be part of my life. And who have left. Leaving me by the wayside of their own lives. I care enough to make an effort to keep my friends. To keep in touch.

I used to believe that if I tried hard enough, I could make up that effort even if they didn’t, hold up the proverbial fort alone. But I was proved wrong, time and time again, when I became the only one who cared, and ultimately the only one who was hurt. And as time dragged on, I realized that that I couldn’t do it alone. Just as I said a year ago, it takes two to make one. Without one side, it would never last. And as the past year’s gone by, the past few months even, I’ve watched as they’ve disappeared. Vague shadows of the past. Figures that seem so far away. Figments of a time come and gone. Each smiling picture a reminder that they’d moved on to a different chapter of their lives, while I still held on. Because I cared too much.

I used to believe that everything happened for a reason. That if something disappeared, it was because another was coming, something better. Things happen. I know. Good things. Bad things. Most of which we don’t have control over. We’ll try our hardest, only to have it thrown back at our face. That’s fate. That’s life. But does it all happen for a reason? I don’t know. Perhaps it does. Perhaps it doesn’t. but I must believe. Because that’s the only thing holding us down, believing that life will be better. That we just have to wait. Because without this idea, this belief, we’d be thrown into a world of despair, and depression. A world of disappointment.

Summer.

I wake up with a start. The clock reads 3:34am. The darkness surrounds me. And a tear slowly rolls down my face. 3:35. I close my eyes, hoping to forget. I know I can't. She is in my dreams, on my mind. I back into the corner, searching for confort between the solid walls, feeling the cold concrete against my back. I lean back, head hitting the concrete with a solid shock. This was not how I had planned my summer. I had not thought I'd be here, had not remembered that someonethat I cared about, and who also probably cared about me, could hurt me so much. It wasn't a new feeling. But it was one that had left a bitter aftertaste everytime, leaving me with a life I did not want, the feeling of abandonment and disappointment heavy on my heart. I missed her. But what did it matter. All I had ever asked for was happiness, happiness to make my life seem worth living, a direction to work towards. But it's been a year since the last time I truly was. Last June. A time when everything seemed to finally fall into place. And then fate turned its back on me, turned its back and walked away. All that I had asked for. Sliding down, tired eyes giving way to exhaustion and stress, I feel my heart sink, another tear falling. And I gve myself up to the harsh indiffernce of the night.

lies.

There are times when you feel a degree of comfort, comfort with who you are, with where you are. And I did. It wasn’t that long ago, when I felt that life was getting better. And don’t get me wrong, it is. Compared to last semester, it really has. But perhaps I lied to myself in telling myself just how much things have changed. I’ve wanted so much just to be happy again. I won’t lie about that. I’ve yearned to feel at home again in a world that has to be for the next four years. I’ve wanted to be able to smile a genuine smile, and truly enjoy the life around me.

But as the stress of work builds up, the walls of mirages come crumbling down. And I see the truth behind things. Uncertainty again. But is this the way to live? Do I continue to lie to myself, building an image of what I want things to be like, hoping that one day these images will solidify into reality? Or do I continue to pull down these lies showing myself the indifference behind it all? How do I live a life like this?

I’ve found flaws in who I am, in what I stand for. Perhaps she was right, that I am too sensitive about things. I need to let up, not let a care for others get through my head. Over and over they have given a wrong impression, and I fear I’ve done it again. I never learn. She knows it, I know it. But how can I tell myself that I’m moving on when what she says still matters to me? What lie am I telling myself? How many of them are there?

snow.

I watched last night as the snow fell, covering a ground that has just been cleared. The whiteness enveloped the parking lot outside. And in the dark room, at the window, I felt a sense of ease. It was an ease that I have not felt in a while, an ease that was comforting, to say that yes, this is home. Am I happy with where I am? Perhaps, perhaps not. I do not know. But what I do know is that I’m no longer miserable. I am neutral to it all, but it was a good neutral.

As the cold of the outdoors crept through the fingertips that I had pressed to the glass, I had the solid feeling that I was somewhere. I had fought that feeling for the first semester, unable to settle. I had not been able to come to adapt with my surroundings, caused by a litany of troubles, both socially and physically. I had told myself that things were just not going right, that I had six months of bad luck. And perhaps I had. I do believe in luck, I do believe in the vicious cycles through which it comes. But I had denied the biggest factor of all: myself. I had been unable to live with the disappointments and the frustrations of the end of high school. I had been unable to accept the cards that had been dealt me, and I could not play the hand.

But over the past few weeks, things have taken a turn. I don’t want to believe that this is the result of less work in these first few weeks, and we’ll see how it goes over the next few weeks. But at least I’ve been at ease. True, there’re still problems, problems that will take a bit of time and luck to solve. And true, I’ve still managed to screw up my health. But things are better, no longer a constant low. Everything seems to have come to a balance, a balance of good and bad, and life just moves along.

And moving along is just fine.

The snow falls. The white covers the ground. Perhaps it’s a new beginning. We’ll have to see.